Dear World, this will be the first year that I have a real live valentine. Before my single sisters hit the back button please consider your short lived singledom and ponder this- Could having a valentine possibly be worse than not having one? Maybe. Lets have a look at the facts:

#1. It means valentine gift exchange. On this St. Valentines eve I’m debating what to gift mi hombre, choices include; hand made crate paper card & a HJ, a-capella serenade of Lana Del Rey’s Video Games, or cured meat dipped in dark chocolate. (not sexy)

#2. You dont get to feel sorry for yourself. Yes bitches the grass is always greener. So long as you avoid the single mingle match maker mix and match (where after forcing you to give him your phone#, a post-prime Phi Delt calls it in front of you to make sure you’re not lying) you’re golden. You and your other single gal pals get to sit around PF Changs and complain about your friends who have boyfriends. Just think about it, once you join the taken group you become the prey. RELISH IT

#3. You’re gonna be disappointed. Face it, if you’re anything like me you’re a contradictory vamp  who thinks she deserves more than she does. You’re beautiful boyfriend is going to do something wonderful to piss you off, if he doesn’t get you too few roses, hes an asshole for getting too many. Because he should have used that money to get his break light fixed, bastard.

Long gone are the days of convincing myself that Leo Dicaprio is my valentine. So as a throwback to the past 24 years of my father-daughter dinners, crying, chocolate binges, and Lionel Ritchie love ballad marathons, here is a thank you collage to the men who captured my lonely heart through the years. i just know you’ll agree

 

Advertisements